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Crazy Cow Presents:

Remember breakfast? It was that meal you used to eat before lunch, back before you were an enormous mass of human flesh who consumed food twenty four hours a day. Well, we here at Crazy Cow certainly remember breakfast. And our favorite part about breakfast was always the cereal isle at the grocery store. What a sensory overload it was to see all those brightly colored characters enticing us to indulge in their sugar coated goodness. But those characters had their dark sides to be sure, and rather than let those dark sides remain undiscovered, Crazy Cow has gone so far as to dig up all the dirt on your favorite cereal mascots! Just scroll down to your favorite mascot and check out his bio for the real scoop on these once respected figures of advertisement.  Pour milk on your computer screen and enjoy!

Sonny the Cuckoo Bird - If there's any proof that chocolate cereal is just legal crack, Sonny the Cuckoo Bird is it. Sonny is the stereotypical drug fiend, lagging about in a apathetic world until he gets his hands on some Coaco Puffs. Once that happens, look out! Ol' Sonny gets tripped out like nothing you ever saw! His familiar slogan, "I'm Cuckoo for Coaco Puffs" just amplifies the already evident addiction this poor bird has inflicted upon himself. Let's hope he's cuckoo for a rehab program soon!

Sugar Bear - I've always liked Sugar Bear. Here we have a fellow who is in some desperate need of anger management classes. Whenever a fellow woodland creature came his way looking to try some Sugar Crisp, ol' Sugar Bear would proceed to unmercifully pound the living shit out of them. Currently, Sugar Bear is serving a five year prison term for battering his homosexual lover, Winnie the Pooh.

The Trix Rabbit - Jesus Christ! For years upon years this guy has kept up his schtick of trying to get a bowl of Trix from the neighborhood kids. Here's a tip you silly rabbit, bite the little bastards! I know rabbits can get plenty vicious when provoked, so the pathetic display exhibited by the Trix rabbit is absolutely pathetic. Another idea, why not head to Bedrock and try for some Fruity Pebbles? Those disguises of yours may not fool the kids, but old Fred Flintstone hasn't held onto a bowl of his cereal in decades.

Lucky the Leprechaun - One word; Pedophile! Like we all don't know what "me magical lucky charms" alludes to. No Lucky, I don't want to see your lucky pot o' gold, I don't want to touch your magic clover, and you can keep your lucky star away from me! The recent addition of rainbows to the marshmallow mix would seem to imply that Lucky has come out of the closet, but I'm still uneasy about him getting little boys to chase him around.

Quick Rabbit - The Quick Rabbit didn't come onto the cereal scene until recently when it became evident that the Trix Rabbit would forever queer the image of rabbit cereal mascots if someone didn't do something about it. Quickie has tried to pursuade Mr. Trix into a pay-per-view battle to the death but so far no word has been given from the Trix Rabit's P.R. people.

Snap, Crackle, and Pop - Come on now! Three oddly dressed men living together in a cereal box, who make noise when you pour milk on them? Kellogg's had the boys nuetered several years back, but take a look at this early picture of S, C & P. Just try and tell me those three weren't about to play a game of 'Ookie Cookie' with a bowl of cereal!

Cookie Crook, Cookie Cop, and Chip - A lot of people wonder, "What the hell ever happened to the Cookie Crook?" Sadly, after trying to steal cookies from the wrong guys, Cookie Crook was mauled, beaten, and ultimately sacrificed to the nature gods by a group of rabid Keebler Elves. As for the Cookie Cop, after the death of the crook, he left the force and became a monk. He can currently be found in an unknown mountain range, praying for the soul of his departed nemesis. As for Chip the cookie dog, he's still around peddling Cookie Crisp, but bear in mind that the endorsement of a food product by a creature who licks his own genitals is no endorsement at all.

Crazy Cow - Here's a copyright violation I actually wasn't aware of! Apparently this cereal existed at some time or another. After going sane, Crazy Cow retired to the Cereal Castle with other such obsolete mascots as Fruit Brute and the other two Cinnamon Toast Crunch bakers.

Gallavant on back to Crazy Cow!

All characters, images, and brand names are Copyright © 2000 their original owners. The bizarre text is Copyright © 2000 Crazy Cow.